NEW_MUSIC / Niamson

Need some fresh new hip hop music in your life? Then I give you Niamson, straight from the BX, the Boogie Down Bronx. Like many kids who grew up being musicheads, Niamson and his friends would use instrumentals and a tape recorder and make music. Whatever it takes, you know? Can’t ever stop some kids with talent and desire.

Niamson is talented enough to have caught the attention of Dame Grease (whom you know from producing tracks for Diddy, Fath Evans, DMX and the Ruff Ryders and more), who gave him an internship. Niamson feels he learned so much from Dame, but especially core basics on how to put music together, format tracks and build records.

The first track I want you to check out is More Than a Little [feat. Danny Light]. The song has Niamson wittily telling a story of love at first sight over a sample of Michael Jackson’s I Can’t Help It. Here it is:



But don’t start thinking that’s all Niamson can do. Being a huge fan of music, he appreciates all genres and doesn’t feel it’s necessary to limit himself to one drama. Check out another track of his, Queen of Hearts [feat. Tony Wink & T.R.U.T.H.].



See what I’m talking about? Niamson compares his songs to watching a film. He’s got a beginning, middle and end and always focuses on the story. Personally, I think he’s going places. Make sure to check out more tracks on his soundcloud!

[© MMXV MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

NEW_MUSIC : MNEK

UPDATED 12/12/13: MNEK has been nominated for a GRAMMY AWARD for the song "Need U (100%)", recorded by Duke Dumont ft. A*M*E* and MNEK! Things are clearly looking up for MNEK!


In the middle of a particularly brutal heat wave this past summer, someone tweeted saying they had heard a cover of Janet’s “That’s The Way Love Goes,” at a spin class by a male artist and stated it was incredible and he needed to find the recording. I figured he should’ve asked the spin teacher, but I’m glad he didn’t because I knew immediately that I needed to hear this cover and I also knew immediately that I was going to love it. I happened to see the reply with the answer and I jumped on over to Soundcloud and I discovered I was right! The cover is amazing.







The artist is MNEK [full name Uzoechi Osisioma Emenike; pronounced M.N.E.K., not M-neck], a 19 year old British/Nigerian singer/songwriter/producer/remixer from South London. You know how everybody’s got to have nine jobs in 2013. Luckily for us, MNEK is awesome at all of his. I spent the next hour listening to other stuff on his Soundcloud page – there are so many wonderful things going on in his music.

The tracks have a definite 90s R&B/house/chill vibe, but they also sound modern as fuck. That 90s feel is less “remember when,” than it is “this is where I come from, but we’re here in the present.” And then there’s his voice! His. Voice. This man is sangin. And he’s not the usual clichéd tenor that rides above pop tracks, his is a full, soulful baritone. His voice is a refreshing change that completely surrounds you, lifts you up and gently sets you back in time for you to keep dancing.



Right now, he’s got a track with Gorgon City, “Ready For Your Love,” that’s burning up airwaves over in England, and is sure to get into the hands of DJs here in the states soon. Check out both the original and the refix, they’re worth it.

He’s got an album coming soon, with a single next year. In fact, MNEK just released a mixtape, "Mixtape, Vernacular", giving an overview of some of his influences and snippets from new tracks. Seems like MNEK is about to make the big leap. OH and before I forget – he’s covered Jennifer Lopez’ “Waiting for Tonight." Jeez Louise. This track is one of a few JLo songs I legitimately love, so it’s crazy that I dig this cover so much. Check it!

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved]

Simplicity and Truth.

Recently, I had the honor of going to a screening of a feature I performed in at a film festival here in LA. We shot this movie over two years ago, so I was not only was I keen on finally seeing it, it would be good to see the cast and crew again. Plus, the festival took place at a movie theater where I used to work! Seeing myself on screen at the theater I used to work was as awesome as it was trippy.

Now I could go further into what it was like to sit in a movie theater I worked at and sat in a million times, but I want to skip forward to the part that is helpful for everybody, not just my ego, haha!

We shot this movie two and a half years ago on the Canon 5D. I had never shot a big project [yes it was a low budget indie, but far bigger than a short or a web series] on a DSLR, so I didn’t know what it would look like on a big screen. I was skeptical. But for no reason – the picture looked glorious! Nice crisp colors, great usage of depth of field. It’s a testament to our DP and the way our DP and director communicated with each other. And this was on a 5D, two years ago – things will just keep looking better.

In the time since we shot this project, I’ve grown a lot as an actor. Partially because of having shot this project, you know? I am definitely proud of my performance, but while I was watching it, I was aware that it was me from two years ago. Here’s what it made me grateful for: That I worked my ass off; I didn’t phone it in at all. And that I kept it simple and truthful. Doing your absolute best on set is the only insurance you have about your work standing the test of time. Keeping your performance simple and truthful will insure that nothing gets in the way of the telling of the story. No matter the proficiency of the artist, being truthful always looks good. Truth is what audiences are yearning to see. So when it’s two years down the road and you’re finally seeing it on screen, you can say to yourself, “Self, I know I’ve grown since then and might make different choices today, but I definitely can’t complain about what I was doing then. Everything is in the right place.”

And here’s why that matters for more than just your ego: you will have to sign off on your work later on down the road. No matter how many years after a project was shot, you very well may have to stand in front of some people at a Q & A or in a theater lobby or at a press junket and your job will be to sell the project. And you will not be able to instill any sort of confidence in the buyer if you aren’t proud about your work and positive about the experience.

Who are the buyers? Everyone is a buyer. I don’t just mean film execs and other industry executives – I mean the audience as well. Those are the people who will remember you when your next indie film pops up in their town and your name is the only name on the cast list they recognize at all. And your confidence – or lack thereof – at a Q & A may be the deciding factor of whether they want to see you in something else or not.

The last thing I wanted to mention is a story I’m only including to highlight how important it is to be a collaborator on set. Film, TV and theater are all collaborative arts. We’re all depending on each other to bring our collective best to the table to have the story told as well as possible. There was one scene in this movie where our director wanted us all to improv. He didn’t want us to come up with entirely new dialogue or take the scene to a new place, he wanted us to come up with ad libbed reactions to the things characters were saying. Awesome. Except for one actor. This actor was in two scenes in the movie and for some reason wasn’t into my ad libs or me. In this scene, said actor had two lines and in the second scene had none. Two lines might not sound like a lot, but it’s definitely more than enough to be a presence in the movie that the audience remembers. Hell, I only had six scripted lines in the entire movie and as on screen for 10 minutes!

We started to shoot the scene, and it was great. All of our improv lines were working and were funny and were really helping to sell the relationship between the characters. But on the second take, this actor said their line and then said the line I had improv’d in the first take before I had a chance to say it again. Whaaaaaaat?! I was a little surprised, but not completely. I’ve dealt with this before; I already knew the score. Everyone else kind of looked around at each other like “Did that just happen?”

In this situation you have three choices. You can talk to the actor directly and try to work out the problem. This is the least desirable way to fix a problem because you will be in direct conflict with your scene partner. Two: you could talk to the director. If it’s a big deal, this is definitely the way to go. But if it’s small, then you’re only going to be thought of as the person starting a problem. Even though the other person “shot first.” Three: you can say nothing and move on.

I didn’t say anything; I didn’t complain. I just mentally said “Bring it. You wanna play? Okay. Not only am I am actor, I’m a writer. I can come up with funny reactions to things all day long.” And I did. But get this: on every take, this actor would steal the line I improv’d in the previous take before I could say it, and on every take I came up with something new and funny to say. And that’s how we shot that scene. At one point the star of the movie even glanced over at me and smiled slyly. Yes.

Now here’s what matters. I wasn’t hurt or disappointed or salty. I was just frustrated that someone would bring that kind of energy to set. That kind of energy is the opposite of collaborative and it only serves to help tell the story less well. And you know what? The director might not catch it on set, but when they’re pouring over all the hours of footage it will become loud and clear.

So picture me, sitting at the screening when this scene comes up. One of my ad libbed lines makes it in – and it gets a laugh! Huzzah! The scene finishes and the story moves on and the selfish actor’s lines were cut completely! And in the other scene, that actor had no lines anyway. They were relegated to the background! Now, I know that gloating isn’t a good look so I’ll keep it classy. It just goes to show you that it pays to be collaborative, and people will notice when you’re not. Period.

But for the record: I am Jack's smirking revenge.

So what was it like to see a movie at my old workplace where I dreamed about seeing myself on screen? It was fantastic – I had a visceral reaction. The entire day leading up to the screening felt magical. Every thing was going great until I got out of my car in the parking lot to the theater. All of a sudden I was nervous! Why? I got warm and had to remind myself to breathe. Luckily I was early and had time to sit down and chill out. And then just like that, everything was fine. We watched the movie, and I even got to take part in the Q&A afterwards. It was beyond rewarding to stand in front of a packed theater and see on people’s faces how much they enjoyed it.

And that line-stealing actor? I went up to them in the lobby saying “It’s so good to see you again.” And this actor glared at me and walked away! Ha! So awesome.

[© MD TOTAL MMXIII all rights reserved]

I Turned Into Someone Else

9:30 on Saturday morning in early October and it’s already 85 degrees and steadily climbing. There I am, sitting in my car, which is parked where Wilshire bisects MacArthur Park near downtown. I’m parked directly where the park’s bridge is – the bridge Anthony Kiedis sings about in Under the Bridge. This morning, the park seems nice, it doesn’t look like a place junkies would go to trying to score. Maybe it’s the heat?

I’m there to shoot a scene in a short film. On the corner of Wilshire and Alvarado, I will be dancing – alone – on a busy Saturday morning. And this place is jumping. There are already a hundred pedestrians passing by every couple of minutes. And there’s one problem: for some reason on this morning, I just don’t feel like dancing. It is before 10 on a Saturday morning after a long week, after all. Dancing in ninety-degree sun wasn’t what I was feeling. What I wanted was pancakes and Netflix. As I sit in the car, I remind myself that whatever feeling I feel is always the same feeling the character is feeling – it’s just created by the story.

Once it’s close to my call time, I head on over to the corner where we are to meet. Introductions and hand-shaking and small talk warm me up. Luckily, my scene will be up first.

I’ve brought my headphones to listen to something – anything while we setup and in between takes. The character I’m playing is meant to be dancing to music in his head so there won’t be music playing while I’m dancing. On a busy street corner on a Saturday morning. I had been mentally preparing myself, but you just don’t know how crazy it’s going to be until you do it. Now get this: for the first setup, the camera will be across the street. I’ll be really alone, like alone for real. This was gonna be a straight up situation.

All of a sudden I felt like a prostitute working the track.

My director calls action on the first take and I start dancing. The energy on the corner changes immediately. The people walking by are affected by my dancing. And I get it; it’s weird. There’s some dude dancing to no music like it ain’t no thing. I had thought people would be “over it,” but no. This is not normal. Some people stop and stare, a few even take pictures with their phone. And I just had to keep dancing. I felt a strange mix of armor and freedom. Once they’ve already started to stare, there’s no longer a reason to hide.

After a couple of takes, I loosened up a little. And as soon as I loosened up, people started to interact with me, even getting in my face. Now I’ve performed in a lot of plays and musicals, sung in choruses and played in orchestras – I’m no stranger to live performance. But I realized then and there how protected you are in a theater. Even if the theater is so intimate that you can lean over and unwrap an audience member’s piece of candy you are still protected. No one is going to hop up on stage.

Having people getting in my face was even more liberating. People we making faces at me and smiling, no one was sending me anger or hate – they were clearly having such a fun moment that they had to let me know. It almost felt as if people felt a need to show me that they, too, were full of love.

My adrenaline was going through the roof.

We moved on to close-ups and coverage and my brain was starting to get tired. It’s funny, when dancing to music your body gets tired, but when dancing without music your brain gets fatigued having to make everything up – you’re not being led by the beat. And as soon as my brain got tired, we were done.

As I drove home, I felt as if had just learned so much about myself. About armor and freedom. That what protects you from the judgment – even if the judgment is only coming from yourself – the armor is hidden inside the expression of what you’re doing. The lack of barriers or boundaries becomes the armor and you just let go. I left feeling completely different than the person who drove there that morning. I left feeling like I turned into someone else.

And I'm not looking back.


[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved]

Bonnie the Great!

I first found out about Bonnie Gillespie a few years ago when she was a judge at a monologue slam put on by my alma mater. I was dying to know what working casting director had time to come judge our event. I remember thinking “How on earth am I going to find out more about her?” So I googled her and found the treasure trove that it The Actor’s Voice. Holy Shit. If you don’t know - The Actor’s Voice is a column Bonnie writes for Showfax that breaks down the business side of things for actors. I mean, she breaks it all the way down. To the ground, y’all. It’s that serious.

For the next few days, I went into a worm hole of reading her earlier articles and was blown away. About a week later I looked at showbiz differently than I ever had before – and I’ve never looked back.

Before long, I bought the 3rd edition of her book, Self Management for Actors. It is a bible for all actors, whether you have an agent/manager or not. Not only is it filled to the brim with excellent advice and quotes from industry professionals but it also lays out advice on specific subjects such as character type, headshots, mailings, how to get on the radar of casting directors, and even what clothes to wear [and not wear!] to auditions. It also talks about specific things to do to – like making a show bible. What it does is help actors who are willing to do the work develop a business plan so they won’t remain stagnant and jump to the next tier.

This kind of information completely clears the mystery that surrounds the business of acting and reminds us that we have so much more power than we think we have and that we are in control of much more than we thought we were. The book is so good that acting schools put it on their reading lists. Schools even hire Bonnie to come to their city and do workshops live and in person. Hell, even Team Tom Cruise has SMFA on their list of acting resources on his website – and it’s the only book on the business they put on that list.

Before I had the book, I had thought I was ready to perform in films and on television, even though I hadn’t performed in a while. Hahaha. With the help of her writing [and serious self-reflection], I realized not only was I not ready to perform at that level, but I wasn’t really even ready to have an agent. So I spent a year doing plays, web series and small showcases. And you know what? Thank god I did! I was able to make strong choices and fail in the safe space of rehearsal, not in an audition room. Or worse – on set. That would not be the best way to be remembered by industry professionals. Instead, I was able to re-acquaint myself with my technique. All the while, I was getting stronger as a businessperson to make sure my tools were in place and that I was ready when the opportunities came. To quote the ever-prolific Jay-Z, “I’m not a businessman; I’m a business, man!”

And when I did finally get repped, you know what happened? I signed with an agent I was excited to work with, and who was excited to work with me. We understood each other; we had flow. And did I book? I booked the second audition she sent me on, and it was for a guest star role on a hit sitcom. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have booked that [and many roles after] had I not spent/still spend time with Bonnie’s wisdom.

Before you get your credit card out, don’t buy the book just yet. Bonnie is busy writing the fourth edition right this second. YES. And she needs your help. For the book to be in print – and we want it in print, to be able to highlight passages and write notes in the margins – she’s set up an indiegogo campaign to pay for the publishing of the book! As of right now, it’s a third of the way to its goal. Your donation would be instrumental in keeping this book in print and up to date with the current realities of showbiz.

The best part? The perks! Any donation $25 and over includes a hard copy of the book itself, which btw, is cheaper than the third edition cost on Amazon! Seriously. Check out the perks, you won’t be sorry. In fact, maybe you’ll be so happy that one day in the future you’ll be standing on a stage, holding a shiny award and you’ll feel the need to thank Bonnie for all her awesome advice!

Crazier things have happened…

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

Carmen Carrera. Showgirl.

I have loved the work of Steven Meisel ever since I realized I loved fashion photography. Back in the 90s, he used to shoot for US magazine – this was before it became the tabloid it is today. Back then, US could be counted on for legit interviews and the cover story was often shot beautifully by Meisel. Really, they even published a whole book about it. I remember feeling like he had a way with his subjects that made them more comfortable than they seemed to be in other sessions. His pictures were just more revealing. You felt as if you were actually getting to know the person in the picture, even though you were aware they were telling a story.

You’ve probably seen a lot of his work. Especially with Madonna. This early pic of her is famous, and the most interesting part of it is not how scandalous this was back in the 80s, but the look in her eye.



But the pic that first made me want to remember his name was from another Madonna session many people haven’t even seen. Again, it’s the look in her eyes. You instantly feel insanely close, even though you know they’re just telling a story.

The pic itself is a tip of the hat to Marilyn Monroe’s final photo session. This pic of Madonna manages to capture the Marilyn session, the sadness we feel about that, and also feel completely new and exciting.

So when I heard that Meisel was working with Carmen Carrera – the former Rupaul’s Drag Race contestant-turned-trans Burlesque performer, I knew I had to look out for it. Luckily, Meisel and Carrera would be shooting for W magazine, which is known for having the best photography in the fashion magazine world. Unless you said Vogue, then no could argue with that. But no one could say Vogue’s photography is better, either. But I digress. On Drag Race, Carrera was astonishingly beautiful – traffic stopping, walking into walls beautiful. She wasn’t the best contestant, but her look was always on point. The house down.

Before y'all call me crazy, I'm not comparing Carrera with Madonna. Come on. It just happens that my favorite Meisel pics happen to be of Madonna. Got it? Anyway... Meisel perfectly captures Carrera’s beauty, and puts her in the setting she deserves. In the pic above, what Carerra is wearing is the main attraction - all fuzzy and futuristic. But when you zero in on the look on her face, you notice how hopeful she looks. Where is her purse? I guess if all you needed was a cell phone and a cup of coffee then you'd be all carefree too. especially when you know that your coat will be in fashion when we finally start going to Mars. But what kills this pic is the fact that you get a sense of her personality, and all she's doing is walking with a coffee.

Anyway, Meisel and Carrera clearly had a blast shooting their spread for W, and we even get a [very] short film from the shoot! It's gorgeous bubbly fantasy romp or burlesque. You know me.

Enjoy yourself.



All photos © Steven Meisel. This is just a celebration of his work!

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

For what it’s worth.

It’s been over a week since the VMAs, so I know the entire internet has moved on so far they’re already halfway to Saturn by now, but I just had to write this. And it is, of course, about MILEY. Depending on what you think of her [and none of us – no matter what we thought of her – think the same of her after that performance] you either heard angels sing or hellish screams when you read her name.

Just about every thing has been said about her performance: people called it crappy, racist, sloppy and embarrassing. For the record I thought it was entertaining and problematic. It did seem to use the big boned black women as accessories to her “deviance,” which is something to think about. But it could also be argued that Miley was celebrating big boned black ladies in an arena where they have never been celebrated, at least not sexually. I don’t know which was the intention, so I kinda feel this is one of those times where we just have to be aware of both possibilities and the social ramifications of both.

And twerking… There was a lot of talk about how the idea of Miley twerking was racist. Ummmm, what? How is Miley twerking more racist than saying that twerking is only for black people? Or how is Miley twerking more racist than the idea that twerking is an expression of black culture? I even got into some conversations with people who demand that we think twerking comes from traditional African dance. Again: ummmmmm, what? Twerking comes from strip clubs. I mean, does the story go “one night, between lines of blow, a stripper got the idea to bring traditional African dance into her routine on the pole.” No. It does not. Some stripper somewhere decided she needed something to help get more dollar bills thrown at her so she decided to shake it a little bit extra as she slid down the pole, or as she slid into a split and humped the floor, or as she did a handstand and shook it while she was upside down. It’s a pretty easy to understand that it’s the natural-if-exceptionally-creative choice one would make when you are limited to an idea of shaking it to begin with. And yes, the result looks similar to some traditional African dances, but that does not make it the same, nor does it mean that’s where it came from. Kinda like how white gold, silver and platinum all look the same, but they’re not.

None of all that was surprising to me at all. I could not believe three things – the first was the idea that her performance was sloppy. That’s what Miley wanted the performance to look like, and they all performed it perfectly. It is extremely difficult to make things look bad, everyone – no matter of their ability – has a natural tendency to try to make things look good. But with her performance, and that tongue, every single move, expression and reaction was performed perfectly and with absolute perfect timing. I’ve been calling it “Miley’s DGAF Ratchet Realness,” and on that scale, that shit was hilarious and awesome and most importantly, fun. But I have to admit, I don’t have a problem with sex, nor do I have a problem with an adult woman expressing her sexuality – it’s hers to express, after all – so these things don’t tend to bother me. And that tongue, my god that tongue, really sells the whole idea well.






The second aspect of the audience’s reaction that surprised me was that people seemed to forget what it’s like to be 20 years old! He performance might as well have been called “MTV’s Spring Break!” Because that’s exactly what their Spring Break show used to look like. Actually, you’d have to tame their Spring Break show to get it to look as relatable as Miley’s performance. People were shocked, shocked that Hannah Montana was acting this way. They could not believe it. And they also couldn’t remember when Miley first performed her hit “Party in the USA,” at an awards show back in 2009 on a stripper pole. She was sixteen. And there was an uproar then! People were shocked, shocked that Hannah Montana was acting this way! As a sidenote, at that performance she didn’t use the stripper pole the way strippers pole dance. The way she was dancing on it had an innocence that brought to mind the playground, not the strip club. She looked like a kid swinging on the poles that support the monkey bars, which we all did. But get this… since she was sixteen, she also looked too old to be playing around on the playground, which immediately brought sexuality into the mix, however innocent the choreography looked. Talk about blurred lines.

The other thing no one talked about that surprised me was the lyrical content of her song. “We Can’t Stop,” is a song about expression, about being who you are no matter what people say about you. One lyric says “Remember only God can judge ya, forget the haters, ‘cause somebody loves ya…” Why, when the entire country was judging a musical performance, did no one examine the lyrics? When I think of the lyrical content and ask myself “what would be the strongest choice to express the lyrics,” I think the strongest choice would be to perform something that the audience would have the easiest time making a strong negative judgment about. We all know she definitely did that, that’s for sure. And when I think of it that way, for me, it becomes art.

As for commerce… You have to give it to the girl. While everyone was talking trash about her, the week after the VMAs gave Miley Cyrus more twitter followers, more facebook likes, the single she performed had major sales gains, her album pre-sales had major sales gains, her music video for that song was the most watched video on Vevo that week and is the most watched video on Vevo today. Interesting, huh? It seems that it’s best to not worry what the people are saying, just put a value on engagement. Or as the old adage goes, “No publicity is bad publicity.”

I'm pretty sure that's the definition of "Ratchet Realness."

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

Yesterday My Trader Joe's CLOSED.

Yesterday my Trader Joe’s closed. I can’t believe it, I just can’t believe it. How on earth does a grocery store close? It’s such an integral part of your life in a way you completely take for granted. I’d been shopping at my Trader Joe’s for the past 12 years. It was around the corner from me, and around another corner from a Ralph’s. I would often do the one-two punch. Stop at TJ’s for veggies and meat, then to Ralph’s for toiletries and everything else TJ’s was above carrying. Like individual slices of cake. Or trashy magazines. Or your favorite national brand cereal. But I digress.

Anyway, since I’m a dude – a dude with no kids – I found myself at Trader Ming’s a lot. I mean, it was often several days a week. I always told my friends I shopped like a Frenchman. By only buying enough food so that none of it will go bad, I’d be back at the store in two days. Or less. Besides, there’s no need to plan for the week when your store is around the corner and you can be back in 20 minutes or less. Don’t want the salad you have? Go get pizza dough! You know what I mean. Or I’d find myself wandering the freezer section and stumble upon vegetarian Pad Thai. Or crab cakes. Or arctic char! I don’t know about you, but there would be no way in hell that I’d peruse any section aimlessly if it weren’t so close to home.

By being there all the time, the employees got to know me. I’d be at the check stand with frozen broccoli, mandarin chicken and quinoa and the cashier would say something like “Have you tried cooking the chicken in the oven longer than the directions tell you to?” Of course I hadn’t. “The chicken gets all crispy on the outside and it. is. sublime.” They were looking out for you. I would never have found out that the mahi mahi burgers work extremely well with BBQ sauce and cucumbers. BBQ sauce and cucumbers! Who thinks of that shit?! They did. And they told you because they knew you. They really knew you.

The store is closing because one of those ubiquitous mixed-use projects is being built on the land. You know, s few floors of apartments with retail on the first floor. The first floor will not be a Trader Joe’s, even though that would be a killer idea. This is the second time this has happened in the past year in my neighborhood: tear down a grocery store and add more residents to the area. LA city planning is brilliant! If that wasn’t bad enough, there are at least six of these huge projects being built within a half mile radius of that location – none of which have grocery stores planned. The whole things kind of makes me feel like Meg Ryan at the end of You’ve Got Mail, which is weird because I normally feel like Dave Chappelle in that movie [all aware of what is really going on], which is weird because in She Loves Me I feel like the Tom Hanks character. Ha. But at the end of the movie, Meg Ryan’s character says she’s sad about her store closing. And she knows that some writer will chalk it up to it being a testament to the city, and how it’s always changing and that’s what the city is. But she just doesn’t want her store to become something depressing, like a Jamba Juice or a GAP. If mixed-use projects were being built in the 90s, she would’ve said that. Ho hum.

Also – it deserves to be said that Trader Joe’s is not without its fair share of problems… I mean – they will discontinue an item without any fanfare or warning. And it will be something you buy every time you go grocery shopping! Back in 2006 they discontinued the Milk Chocolate candy bar with Raisins and Pecans. They kept the dark chocolate version, but never brought back the original, better version. I was shocked, shocked that they would neglect me like that. Also around 2006, they tried to discontinue the Mushroom Turnovers but that caused an absolute riot from their customers and they were forced to bring them back. They’ve been back ever since. And let’s not pretend that the checkstand experience is anything close to efficient. It’s so bad that I’m astonished when a cashier has their game on. And the parking! It’s said that no matter what Trader Joe’s you’re at, the parking lot is awful. And it’s true. Unless it’s worse. The funny thing about this TJ’s was that the parking lot was decent. Well… decent for a Trader Joe’s. But it wasn’t lot on us, and we were grateful.

I went to Trader Giotto’s twice this week. As the shelves slowly became empty, they’d take them down completely. It was eery and airy, a taste of what was to come. It eased you in. As I was at the checkstand, the cashier gave me a meaningful look and said “It’s the end of an era.” “We’re going to miss you guys,” I said. “We’re going to miss being here,” she said. “Well, good luck to you,” I said. And she looked me in the eye and she knew I meant it. “Thank you,” she said, returning the feeling.

On the final day my Trader Joe’s was open, I decided to go one last time. I didn’t even need anything. I just wanted to be there. They were giving away hot dogs at the entrance. Hot dogs. It reminded me of being a kid, growing up in the south. My grocery store would have hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill outside every Saturday. I had a hankering for pizza, so I got the fresh pizza dough (which is fantastic) and some toppings. It’s funny, that pizza dough is what made me fall in love with TJ’s in the first place. I knew I could get veggies anywhere, but excellent and fresh pizza dough? Game changer. And that led me into discovering their spaghetti sauces. And then their cheeses. And their dairy. And their bread. And their pre-packaged salads that come with a fork. And the wine, let us not forget the wine.

At the checkstand, the cashier – who has worked at that location for more than eight years – asked me what TJ’s I’d be shopping at from now on. I told him and he said, “Good, I’ll see you around then.” I sighed. As I walked out the door, there was a greeter saying hello and goodbye to everyone entering and leaving. He held his hand out for me to shake. I wasn’t surprised. “It really is the end of an era,” I said. “It really is, he said.” We had real eye contact. There was nothing more that needed to be said; everyone was feeling the change.

Seconds later I was in my car. And just like that, I was gone.


And now, something from the xx to send us on our way... ;)




[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

Enjoy the Ride!

I am learning how to enjoy the ride. Or, I’m teaching myself to enjoy the ride. I'm learning to try? I don't know. All I do know is this shit is difficult – they don’t write instructions about this kind of stuff. Well, actually they do. But have you read any books on these things? I have, and they are actually very helpful books but at the end you still just feel like WTF? What the fuck am I literally supposed to do? Because I meditate, and I write and I go to the gym and I do my acting homework and I enjoy the sunsets and I laugh at the little things and I remember that it’s all little things, but at some point you have to sit down and do some strategy about your career and let’s face it: if you weren’t shooting YESTERDAY then you feel like a big fat failure who’s career is spinning down the toilet and you wonder how the hell IT gets to go down the toilet when you’re still waiting more than a week for the plumber to come and fix said toilet for the second time.

But that’s a different story.

Or you’re sitting down to watch a movie or a TV show – which as much as you love doing that – is also actually your job to watch these things since you perform in them but you can’t help but feel like you and your dreams are stuck in slowly drying cement. Or how do you not let the grind of it all get to you, because don’t let anyone fool you, being an actor is hard work. The real job of being an actor is pursuing work and the pursuing of it has a LOT of homework, yo. That part? That’s the part the books don’t really touch upon. They tell you to light a candle and immerse yourself in a hot bath. Or read a favorite book. Or go for a hike and enjoy the sunset. Laugh at the little things! But at the end of those books, when sun’s gone down, the candle’s gotten low and the bathwater is cold and the toilet still. won’t. flush… There you are. Still trying to figure out how to let it go.

And then I remember, I actually kind of wrote about this. Twice. Maybe even a third time...? Yeesh. At least I'm consistent? I have to laugh to keep from crying because I was kind of right about this the first three times. You just let go. The career thing is a journey, after all. There will be ups and downs; that’s the nature of this three-headed Hydra. I have to look at it the long way – the forest for the trees and whatnot. And the way for me to let go is to just live my life. And know that living my life doesn’t mean that feeling of unease will go away forever. It just means that when it comes around, I can’t try to ignore it and let it drive me into career panic mode – maybe I can just just say hello. Hell, if it’s going to be a neighbor, might as well acknowledge its presence, right? Maybe bake it some cookies? I’m almost absolutely sure unease likes cookies. And maybe, just because I acknowledged it, I’ll be able to recognize that the feeling of unease isn’t me. It’s not who I am; it’s just a feeling. And before I know it - as long as I remember to let myself relax, let go, and enjoy the ride - I’ll be back to enjoying the sunsets, laughing at everything and generally feeling right as rain again. All because of cookies.

Now where the hell is my cactus flower scented candle?

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

NEW_MUSIC: Britney Fields

Now you all know I love my EDM, but that’s just one of the kinds of music I love. What I really love is variety, I have love for all genres of music. I think that comes from playing piano and viola and singing since I was little. Lack of variety is also my real problem with mainstream radio in the last decade or a little more – there’s a lot of one genre of music, but not a lot of variety. Back in the early to mid 00’s, it was all about garage rock. And that was cool, but where the hell was the R&B? Now, EDM is all over the airwaves to a degree, and as much as I have loved having it everywhere I've been worried that it would be all we heard. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. EDM has definitely made a name for itself, but its existence has also gotten people interested in making melodic, hopeful music of all genres again. That combined with the state of the world, I think, but I also feel the current state of the world is partially responsible for EDM’s rise. People want hopeful music that feels like love. But I digress. ;)

I got a submission from a young woman, who sings R&B music. Truthfully, I’d say she sangs R&B. She’s originally from Illinois, but since her dad was in the military, she moved around a lot before settling in Georgia. She says she fell in love with music as a wee little girl when she heard Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” (I think we all can relate to that!) So now, she’s got a few tracks that are bangin! They’re perfect for the warm weather that is arriving, tho I have a feeling they’d warm you up in chilly weather, you know…?




Tracks are below – before I forget, if you’re in the Atlanta area you may want to set a Google alert to be the first to find out about personal appearance - you won't want to miss it!







Follow Britney on twitter @britneyfields12



[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved]

NEW_TRAILER: “Crisis”

In our continued desire to support and shine a light on other artists, today we get a little treat! It’s the trailer for the short film, “Crisis,” which was written and produced by Shana Lloyd and directed by Greg Thompson.




Here’s the short summary:

A man in the midst of a midlife crisis decides he wants to live a "straight" life that includes a wife and baby to complete him. Out of desperation, he proposes to his female best friend. She turns him down, but agrees to help him audition wives in the hopes he will realize the absurdity of his choice and find the answers within himself.

I have to say I’ve seen the entire short film and it is hilarious. Check out the trailer below, and if you’re so inclined, see the entire short now on FilmScreenr for only $.99. That’s less than the cost of a song on iTunes!





Follow the movie on Twitter @CrisisTheMovie

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved]

#CANNES2013

The Cannes Film Festival. Festival de Cannes. A sleepy little town on the Med goes all out sparkly glam for two weeks every May for the biggest, most important, most exclusive film festival in the world. And you’ll hear about it for the next ten days. Premieres, premiere parties, film deals, movie stars. All on the French Riviera.

An animated short I worked on – I voiced the only the only character in - will make its European premiere at the 2013 Cannes Film Festival! That short, Tailypo, is an African-American folk tale that is animated with stop motion puppets. It’s as gorgeous as it is frightening. The screening intends to generate interest from other international festivals. Let’s all wish it the best as it heads out fro the Croisette!

As you know from the Cannes Diary, I’ve been to the Cannes Film Festival before when I was a producer shooting at the festival. Calling that experience crazy would be an insult to crazies everywhere. So I wrote a book about it all. Cannes: TAKE NO PRISONERS a novella. This book is fiction. Any similarities to any real people or real situations is accidental and coincidental. As we do. For some reason the term roman á clef comes to mind…

Watch the trailer now, it’s a fun-filled postmodern expressionist romp!



Cannes: TAKE NO PRISONERS a novella is available now on Amazon Kindle! Don’t have a kindle? The Kindle app is available for iphone, ipad, droid, plus on your desktop or laptop with the Kindle app for Mac or PC! Best part? It’s only $3.99 (for a limited time)!

Perfect for beach reading, plane reading, train reading, long car trips or maybe just read it out loud to your lover…



2103 Cannes Film Festival poster courtesy of Festival de Cannes.

[© MMXXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

Cannes: TAKE NO PRISONERS a novella

It is with great pleasure I announce the first Soccerboy in LA book, Cannes: TAKE NO PRISONERS a novella! It’s a very exciting time, and it’s been very difficult to keep this all under wraps. Generally, this is the space I’d write about things like this but I had to tell myself to wait, be patient.

Well the wait is over, and the book is available right now on Amazon Kindle! But what if I have an ipad, you ask? Get the kindle app; it’s free! The best part, the book carries a special price, it’s only $3.99! Get it now before the price goes up. It’s perfect for the beach, the plane, the train, and the automobile – if you’re a passenger.



But what is it about? Remember the Cannes Diary, the day-by-day recounting of my first trip to Cannes that appeared here back in 2009? Well, I’ve re-written it and expanded it to novella length. That means more action, more ridiculousness, and more naughtiness for your pleasure. Tell your friends that you heard about it first, tell your mama, your dad, your grandma, your brothers and sisters, your cousins and even your enemies. They deserve to be entertained too, yo.

Here’s the official description:

CANNES: TAKE NO PRISONERS a novella is the first book from the writer of the wildly popular Soccerboy in LA blog, Malcolm Devine. The novella follows his real adventures from a trip to the internationally famous Cannes Film Festival, where he was a producer shooting a documentary television show. The subject of the show he’s producing does product placement for films and the event planning for the films’ premiere parties. Alex must deal with a various array of crazy difficulties with the crew, with the host of the show and even his executive producer who have all been seduced by the notorious naughtiness of the Cannes Film Festival to get the show shot and sold.


Best of all, there’s a trailer to whet your appetite! It gives you an idea of the craziness that goes on in the book. And it’s told in a postmodern avant-garde expressionist style. If you’re going to make a book trailer, might as well make it a piece of entertainment in and of itself, right? That’s how we do here.





I’m extremely proud that this is my first book.

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

NEW_MUSIC: Haviland Stillwell

I first met Haviland Stillwell in Atlanta, back when we went to the same school. We weren't in the same class, but word on the street was that she was talented. And she is. But what do I remember most about meeting her for the first time? I remember thinking that this 12 year old girl was the kind of person people would refer to as a "mover and shaker." At twelve. If you know Haviland personally, none of this is a surprise. Haviland is talented as all get out and she's also quite the hard worker. Would you expect any less from someone who's been on the Broadway twice? [Fiddler on the Roof and Les Miserables, thank you very much.] You might also remember her from VH1's Single Ladies.? Or maybe you know her from her Autostraddle series, Unicorn Plan-It Or maybe you caught her on this year's Oscar telecast, singing with the cast of the Les Miserables movie? Or maybe you've been to one of her concerts, and have her album, How I Role? [check out her "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend"]

Mover. And shaker.



[from her concert at Joe's Pub in NYC]


On top of all that, she’s incredibly generous. When I shot a small role on Unicorn Plan-It, she was directing. [the series is hilarious.] Not only was she at the top of her game regarding all aspects of the story, but she also made a point to keep everyone feeling comfortable so we could all play. There were no ego issues coming from her – in fact, I don’t remember any ego issues coming from anyone on set that day. As you can imagine, it’s rare for things to go that smoothly on set. That kind of generosity of spirit is what you need from your fearless leader and is always great to be around.

So when she told me she was releasing her first original song, I had to hear it immediately. And I was not disappointed. "MKE Maximum Energy" is some serious swirly synth pop goodness. And its lyrics are a wonderfully trippy ride from outer space all the way into our hearts. It talks about love and letting go of fear and coming together - exactly what we need most from dance music. Exactly what we need from all music, if you ask me.



"MKE," is the introduction of a new character - as Ziggy Stardust is to David Bowie, as Sasha Fierce is to Beyoncé, MKE is to Haviland Stillwell. She is "your intergalactic space siren, shooting you with her ray gun, loaded with love."

She means business. Hear the song below, and find out for yourself! You can purchase it. Get out of your chair and dance!

Free Electronic Press Kits template from ReverbNation.com

Haviland has two SoCal shows coming up, in Palm Springs on April 5th at Hunter's and in LA on April 23rd at Rockwell Table and Stage. She'll be performing the new single and songs from her debut, How I Role." Get you tickets now!




Why do this?

[© MMXIII MD TOTAL all rights reserved]

In Defense of "We Saw Your Boobs"

Whoo! People are quite upset about the Oscars!!!! I have to say, the two comments about the show I found about the show were in support of it. One was in the Washington Post, and the other was by a feminist writing on the blog Flick Filosopher. Both are great reads but this post is about the second one. Read it, it's refreshingly thoughtful and smart.

I commented on her post by saying: "This is so well written and refreshing. Thank you. The only question I have is how can you (rightly) say that the Onion's tweet points out sexism, but Seth MacFarlane's boob song does not? We can't just pick and choose based on our preconceived notions."

MaryAnne Johanson (the writer) replied: "If you can give me a reasonable defense of the boob song as satire, I'll consider the possibility that it was intended as satire."

I took the time to explain where I was coming from. Below is my answer.

"First – I want to say how cool it is that you’re engaging in a discussion with your readers. I feel this kind of discourse is largely missing in society today, and we are all the worse for it. So thank you.

I feel that the boob song’s intention as satire is proved by a couple of things. One, satire is expected of Seth MacFarlane. It’s what he does on all three of his network shows, whether we enjoy those shows or not. That expectation is why he (or any Oscar host, for that matter) was hired. He only gets to be as naughty as he is because we expect him to work in satire. Since we are all well aware of that, we’re all supposed to bring that knowledge and expectation with us while we watch the show.

Two – I felt the song is ironic in a couple of ways. I will admit, we’re used to performers and writers pointing out rather loudly that they’re being ironic just to make sure we get what they’re intending. Seth wasn’t being loud in the way we’re used to. But by being so outrageous – singing about boobs at the Academy Awards – he utilized a type of verbal irony. Him venturing into extremely naughty
territory is what points out to the audience that he’s being ironic.

His performance style also betrayed the song’s intention. He didn’t coldly and flatly sing about boobs. If he had, it would be difficult to perceive it as something other than gross. But he didn’t do that, he sang gleefully, as if he were a 12 year old discovering something he likes. That cheekiness was intended as a clue to the song’s intention. And the fact that some people got it immediately (it sure played well in the house of the Dolby Theater) tells me that the intention came through loud and clear. (neither here nor there, but this also might be a good moment to point out that the reactions of the actresses he sung about that they cut away to during the song were pre-recorded.)

I also feel the sheer accuracy of the lyrics was intended to point out that we need to examine the truthfulness of the problem the song addresses.

I also want to say that for me, it was so clearly using what I mentioned above as tools of expression for it’s intention that I was
surprised that there was backlash. I also can’t think of any event in recent history that has compelled so many people to think about sexism, racism, and homophobia and also make us all question our own subconscious thoughts about them all. And that, to me, makes it art."

Then I got a reply from another commenter:

"What is the problem the boob song addressed?"

I replied:

"Well I think the boob song addressed a couple of problems. First and foremost, Seth’s excitement brings to mind the idea there’s no male equivalent to a woman showing her breasts. I’m reminded of an early episode of “Friends” where Chandler accidentally sees Rachel’s breasts and she demands to see his penis. I understood her character’s embarrassment and frustration, but it never sat well with me that we were supposed to agree that showing breasts is the same as showing a penis.

More importantly, the song points out it’s pretty clear that Hollywood (and maybe audiences as well) demand female nudity far more than male nudity. That actresses, many while at the top of their game, feel it necessary to bare their breasts in order to stay relevant. Halle Berry, Charlize Theròn and Kate Winslet all went topless in the roles that won them their Oscars. Even Meryl Streep did it. Meryl Streep!

I think that’s why Seth used the Los Angeles Gay Males Chorus (which was awesome!) – to add a level of absurdity to help drive his point home.

What’s also disconcerting to me is I can’t even remember the last time I saw male nudity in a movie. But I can remember a couple of years ago when Jennifer Aniston got press for shooting a topless scene for her movie “Wanderlust,” and the scene itself was omitted in the final cut! What does this say about Hollywood? What does this say about its audience/ourselves?

That’s what I was thinking about when Seth was singing so gleefully. I was smiling, laughing, and nodding my head while saying “He’s so right.”


Just something to think about. I think it's important to examine other perspectives, and not hold on to what we assume.

© MMXIII MD TOTAL [all rights reserved]

NEW MUSIC MONDAY: White Christmas!

I love Christmas music. I love the classics, I love pop versions of the classics, I love new Christmas songs, I even dig the cheesy muzak versions you hear in department stores. I love it! I believe it comes from my birthday being in December. As a kid, if I couldn't save up for a new toy with my allowance, I was always told "wait for your birthday." So, by the time we get to Thanksgiving, it's ON.

I know most people are Christmas music purists - only Bing Crosby will do. But I tend to love the remakes the most. For some reason, they remind me of being a little kid and hearing that stuff on the radio. U2 singing "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)?" Fantastic! Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night?!" Are you kidding me?! Christina Aguilera's random-as-hell R&B tracks that are about Christmas? YASSS. Hell, Sarah McLachlan's "I'll Be Home For Christmas," was the first time I even considered the singer wasn't going home for Christmas. And it broke my little heart! In the best way.

So you know I was excited when I heard about a new rock version of the song "White Christmas." Now, we've heard all sorts of versions of that song, it's a CUH-LASSIC. It has to be up there with "The Christmas Song" as one of the most recorded songs ever. This version is by a band from New Hampshire, East is East. So you know they know all about snow!

I've heard some tracks by East is East, and they're quite good. Definitely some of the best music I've heard from an unsigned band lately. Their sound would be categorized by a record store (if those were still everywhere. Remember browsing record stores? I miss that.) they would be called "alternative." Except when you think "alternative," you normally think of cheesy 90s bands trying to capitalize on a "movement." East is East is not reminiscent of that at all, their music is coming from a real place. And even though it's rock music, it's got soul. You know what I mean?

Their version of "White Christmas" is warm and makes you want to cuddle with your sweetheart by the fire until the middle when it breaks loose and they bring it home in a real rollicking way. Like those nights when you're snowed in, sitting by the fire, reading a book on your ipad and all of a sudden that spiked hot chocolate kicks in and it is ON. Oi-oi-oi!

Check it out below, and if you want to purchase it, all proceeds go to UNICEF! (hooray for giving back! It is Christmas, after all - it is better to give than receive...) After you fall in love with that track, check out more of their tracks from their album, Provenance, either on soundcloud, iTunes, or their website. You won't be disappointed.



Find East is East online! Twitter. Facebook.


[© MMXII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

NEW MUSIC MONDAY: Shoshana Bean!

As a performer who sings, I always love to hear excellent singers. But it goes farther than that, I took piano lessons and played viola before I ever sang in a chorus. My mom, crazy person that she is, taught me to read music starting when I was five. Hell, the only thing that would calm me down when she was pregnant with me was music. Specifically, Stevie Wonder's "Songs in the Key of Life." Specifically "Sir Duke."

Music is in my soul, yo.

I first heard about Shoshana Bean when she was the Elphaba standby for Broadway's "Wicked." Everyone was saying how great she was, everyone. As a standby! She came and did the show in LA, and I somehow missed it, even though it lived here for over a year. And the theater is down the street from my house. I know!

So my first real intro to her singing was in a Seth Rudetsky deconstruction of her in an Actor's Fund charity concert of the musical "Hair." [skip to the 3:50 to hear her go OFF] She's got this incredible belt voice AND a beautiful soprano voice. That's what we call an anomaly.

And then she released a solo album. Superwoman. And on this album, there is a cover of Aretha's "Ain't No Way." And she kills it.

What da fuck....? So her album is aptly titled. Okayyy!

Then I get to see her live. Blues music. While I had the blues. She was so amazing, that at one point in the concert I kinda blissed out listening to her sing. I was dumbfounded, staring off into space. And then the most amazing thing happened. Shoshana Bean recognized this, leaned down - while she was singing - and waved hello to me to snap me out of my trance... And it worked! When She leaned into my field of vision, I could see that she saw that I was enjoying her. And she brought me back to the present.

You know, where she was still singing.

Now, Ms. Bean has an album coming out soon. An Indie record that raised money on Kickstarter. Indie for real. And the first single has been released, "Runnin' Out of Days." It's that bluesy soul sound we all know from the 1960's, yet it also carries a strong modern feel and relevance. This girl is sangin my music, yo.

Those horns are tellin’ a story. You know she’s serious before she even starts singing. And she’s got a happy story to sing about - which is a great feel, especially for this time of year. Check it out below, the single is available on iTunes now!




OH, and Ms. Shoshana just happens to playing Friday nights at Rockwell Table and Stage. And she takes it to CHURCH. Check it:




[MMXII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

N E W _ M U S I C !

So we're starting a new section of Soccerboy in LA today, and it's all about new music! Mostly it'll be some stuff I've found from new and/or indie artists [of all genres], plus new music from established artists, plus some random old stuff we've either forgotten or deserves a fresh listen. This is all about FUN.

But I won't be reviewing music; I'm an artist, not a critic. I'm just celebrating others in their artistic endeavors because I want to live in a world where artists support each other. So if you see it posted here, you know that I'm already digging it.

If you'd like your music to be considered to be featured, email me some links. My email isn't difficult to find.

I'll leave you with a quote by Martha Graham:

"Let's dispel with this idea that the theatre, that dance, that the arts, that humanity, the American people, all things are in desperate shape, sad mendicants of the evening. I reject this entirely, as should you. Those who should survive, will survive. We help those we can. We support those we can, at all times, but we do not wrap ourselves in hair shirts and strap cans in our hands and beg for our survival and seek sympathy for our puny rewards. Art--like life--is a majestic calling, a great adventure, a remarkable opportunity and gift. I resent very much these people who create for themselves artistic sinecures by advocating on behalf of the arts. They have no place in the arts. Create your art; support the art of others. Create a life; support the lives of others. Be a great artist; be a great human. The rewards arrive daily. Do not join clubs to support life and art. Simply live and be an artist."

- Martha Graham [1990]


I'll leave you with a fun little gym banger from Kylie back in 2004. Sweet. Music.





[MMXII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]

Settle Down [part trois] : TRANSCENDENCE

This is the third part of a story that started just over three weeks ago, when I had a revelation while waiting in line to check out at the grocery store. Then I had wonderful surprise while working last week. It’s actually important to read that first two parts to understand the full scope of this story. G’head – it’ll only take a couple of minutes at most. You’ll enjoy it.


In which things get Bat Shit Crazy.

“See you later…”

That’s what Gwen Fucking Stefani said to me as she left the studio.

It had been a difficult day, and there would be more difficulty to come, but I was on a high. I was managing my energy. I didn’t eat enough lunch and instead drank copious amounts of water, Powerade and snacked on peanuts. And every once in a while, a cookie. I know, I know – refined sugar! Sue me. But it’s the only way to have enough fuel to keep your adrenal glands happy and also not be weighed down by a food coma. I also focused on how I was there to help. When I focus on helping, I tend to have more energy and deliver a better performance.

And I did. I felt good about my work, and I was happy with the energy I was getting from the crew when I was in front of the camera. A delightful experience. We were running late [as we often do on set] and I was worried that I wouldn’t get a chance for my second meditation that day, or the meditation that I’m doing as part of Deepak Chopra’s “21 Day Meditation Challenge.” But I got home just in time to do the short challenge. As I sat down and listened to Deepak’s voice, my brain became silent surprisingly fast. And then, something happened that hasn’t happened in a while in my meditation. As I repeated my mantra, I felt the familiar buzz in the space right above and between my eyes. My third eye awakened. I broke through. Now this buzz isn’t like anything else I’ve experienced. It’s not a feeling of lightheadedness, nor is it the buzz of inebriation. It’s a shimmering feeling of excitement.

Once that shimmering buzz appears, you sort of have to move your consciousness into it to break through. For some, it may be instantaneous. For me, as I slowly plug along in my practice, it’s literally like moving into that space. Making trips back and forth, moving box by box, slowly but steadily – and always focusing on that feeling - until my consciousness is feeling everything through my third eye.

It was beautiful, and I hadn’t had it happen in a while because I think I had gotten a little bit lazy. I had come to expect it to just be there, that it would happen on its own. That is not the case. You have to show up to your meditation every time you practice. So I tripled my efforts. Instead of twenty minutes twice a day, I made a decision to meditate for an hour twice a day. I immediately saw benefits, more presence, more patience [which was given to me as the first part of this story], but I was still looking for legit transcendence.

Mannnn… Did I ever get what I looking for.

I woke up a couple of hours after going to sleep that night. I drank some water, and laid back down. I fell back asleep, or so I thought. While I was sleeping, I felt my third eye open and felt that familiar buzz. I wasn’t sleeping; I was meditating! I focused on the buzz, and went into the silence. I took that train. Just as everything became silent, Gwen Stefani materialized in front of me. Materialized! She was here. I knew I wasn’t dreaming. She didn’t feel like a character in a dream, it was her – we could feel each other’s presence. The feeling was so strong that it was as if we both immediately knew everything about each other; that we were connected.

People who practice transcendental meditation often talk about having visions that are clear as day while they’re meditating. They talk about having people’s spirits appear to them, and talking with the person, and often having the person leave them with some life-altering wisdom. It’s very common for people who have a diligent practice. And I’ve always believed it was possible, it just hadn’t ever happened to me. Yet.

As Gwen Stefani recognized me, we both looked at each other like “This shit is absolutely fucking CRAZY.” Because it was! She and I reached for each other, intertwined our arms and looked out at the Universe as we broke through together. Our touch was electric. As we clasped hands and watched the Universe unfold before us, we both said “Whoa,” at the same time. We saw EVERYTHING. The stars, nebulas, love. As I write this, my forehead is getting that buzz, and my third eye is opening. Tears are flowing down my face. We held on to each other and basked in magnificent love. Words were useless; we had the same thoughts. same-same. And we both knew that as much as we were seeing – we were only being given a miniscule amount. Like something the size of a marble in comparison to the rest of the Universe. But in that marble…

Finally, I understand exactly what Ralph Waldo Emerson was talking about! From his essay Nature [1836]: “Standing on the bare ground – my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite spaces – all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or particle of God.”

What was so mesmerizing was not only what we were seeing, but the way it all felt. While looking out at everything, we could also feel everything. We all know that everything is just made up of molecules, so what really is the difference between things? This is existence. With this, we could feel all the molecules – all the stars, all the fabric, all the light – all the things. Everything felt like love. We were one with all that is.

And all of this while Mercury is in retrograde…?!

It was just so much. So, so much. It was a lot, what we saw…

And then we danced together to the rhythm of the Cosmos, yes we did. Really. And you know what? Gwen was right; I did “see her later.” What’s even crazier is there’s a song on NO DOUBT’S new album [Push and Shove] called Dreaming the Same Dream. Whaaaaaaaaat?! I truly believe she did this on purpose; she shared her love right back at me. But if I wasn’t open to receive it, or aware of this abundance; none of this would have happened.

If this experience makes people think I’m crazy, then call me crazy. All I know for sure is that if this was a dream, then everything is a dream.

You guys. There is so much love out there for us. And inside of us. So. Much. Love. And it’s just waiting for us to connect to it and then ride it. I can’t make this shit up. And if I know one thing, if I can have this kind of experience, then everyone can. Believe me. We just have to be present. If we want to receive all that the Universe has to offer, then we have to be present for the gifts to be delivered. How can we receive anything, if we’re not legitimately here? Everything is possible.

NO DOUBT.





Namasté Muthafuckas!


[© MMXII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]


Shoutout to my sophomore American Studies in Literature teacher in high school, Catherine Tipton, for introducing me to Transcendentalism. New Romantics, yo.

Settle Down [part deux]

The first part of this story starts just over three weeks ago, when I had a revelation while waiting in line to check out at the grocery store. It’s actually important to read that first part to understand the full scope of this story. G’head – it’ll only take a couple of minutes at most. You’ll enjoy it.


So I’m sitting in the green room, eating lunch on break from shooting on a green screen all day. It’s already been a long day and it’s only lunch. And I woke up exhausted. There are ten of us in the green room, eating pizza and watching FLASHPOINT on TV. After I finish my slice, I get that itchy feeling that I’ve got to get out of there. For no apparent reason. I remember there being a couch down the hall and around the corner, so I grab my phone and head for it. But it’s not there. I completely remember there being a couch, where the hell am I gonna sit?! Since I’m in costume, sitting on the floor isn’t an option, but I see some equipment stacked against the wall a little further down. I worry that I’m moving a little too far away from the green room to hear when we’re called back to set. But I sit on it anyway.

I already know it was a good decision to go there. The interesting thing about shooting is that it really taxes your adrenaline. You have to be at a constant state of readiness, but then you also have to wait. Sometimes they say they’re ready for you and then you have to wait another hour. A big portion of the job is maintaining your energy and focus. I could chill out here alone and get myself back together.

After a few minutes, three men walk out of the door next to me and walk right past me. After they pass, I look up and I immediately recognize them from behind – they’re the guys from the band NO DOUBT. Holy Shit. I love NO DOUBT. Love. And not only have I loved their new song “Settle Down” since it was released, but I also just had a bit of an experience with it in the grocery store just over three weeks ago. Every day since then, I’ve heard that song differently.

I’ve interpreted the song as being about meditation, about being present and checking in with that silence throughout the day. “What’s your twenty, where’s your brain…?” I’ve been meditating every day this year, and I’ve experienced all sorts of abundance because of it. A pop song about meditation?! I mean, come ON! How can you not love that shit?



I immediately get up and run after the guys. I get their attention and they all turn around at the same time. It happened in slow motion. Very. Scorcese. And there they were, three legit rock stars looking at me, waiting for me to speak. “Your new album is dope. I love your music. I love your music,” I said. The second time I said that I love their music, I put my hand over my heart and did a little bow – and I swear on all that’s holy – I could see their spirits receive my gratefulness. And they lit up. Like a Christmas tree! I communicated to them that their work matters to me, that they are good at their jobs. To an artist, that shit is real.

And just like that, they were gone.

As I sat back down, two women came up and stood outside of the room where the guys came out of and I realized… I AM IN THE SAME ROOM WITH GWEN STEFANI. And I knew she would walk out soon. I just knew it. AND SHE DID. I stood up immediately. The two women asked for a photo. I got the camera on my phone ready. As they were thanking her for the picture, I felt the exact same as when I’m about to make an entrance onstage and I’ve just heard my cue. Go. Now. I walked right up to Gwen – who is almost as tall as me in heels – and asked her if she would take a pic with me as well. She is Gorgeous with a capital G, she has a great energy, and she has a generous spirit. You can feel it. She is everything you expect Gwen Stefani to be. She agreed to the pic. I had to ask one of the women to take the pic for me. I just asked two strangers for favors within five seconds. Gwen smiled at my moxie. “Your music has brought a lot of positivity to my life,” I told her. And I put all my love into saying it. While I said it, I crossed my heart. But not like the kids rhyme, I did it like a cross. Then I said, “I’m very grateful for your music.” And DAMN. We had serious eye contact while she listened – how have I always forgotten that she’s got brown eyes? She was listening with every cell in her body, and I saw her receive the information I was telling her like a download. We communicated. Hell, we communed.

And we took the picture. She put her hand on my shoulder! The woman who took the pic smiled really big and said “It’s great.” I thanked Gwen, and she went back into her green room.

I sat back down and just about exploded. I remembered the whole thing about how their song had been on my mind every day since the grocery store revelation, and how I had heard her song “What You Waiting For,” on radio several times since then as well. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of love and abundance that all the hairs on my body stood straight up.

Something is happening. Now.

The thing about meditation, and all thinking really, is that whatever you spend your time thinking about is what you will bring more of into your life. Thinking about success, then more success. Thinking about hope, then more hope. Thinking about love, then more love. Thinking about doubt, then more doubt. Our thoughts are material, everything’s just made up of molecules. And there they all were, right in front of me, after I had been contemplating the hell out of their song. I could not ignore the Universe’s magnificence and perfection.

Just then, she and a colleague walked out past me and down the hall. I didn’t want to demand any more attention from her, so I didn’t want to look up. But I had to. She’s gorgeous. She’s GWEN FUCKING STEFANI! As I looked up, she smiled at me and said “See you later…” With the ellipses. She said it the way you say it to a friend you randomly run into the afternoon of a surprise party for them. You can’t give anything away, but you can’t resist saying something. It was almost a tease. Was Gwen Fucking Stefani playing with me?! SWOON. LE GASP. I DIE.

And just like that, she was gone.

Here’s the pic. I think we look like we’re having a spiritual moment. And that was when Gwen Stefani’s spirit met Malcolm Devine’s spirit. same-same.

Interesting that the show that was on the TV was FLASHPOINT. The definition of a flashpoint is “the temperature at which a particular organic compound gives off sufficient vapor to ignite in air.”

Molecules, bitch!

Ready for this story to get BAT SHIT CRAZY? Click here for Part Trois!

[© MMXII MD TOTAL all rights reserved.]